An Academic with ADHD
Dr. Sarah Knutie
“You have a superpower that is also your kryptonite.” -Stephanie Smith
Dr. Sarah Knutie
“You have a superpower that is also your kryptonite.” -Stephanie Smith
In a lot of ways, I’m a classic example of a “successful” woman with ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD later in life at age 39. I have always developed ways to hide or deal with my “abnormal ADHD behaviors” until one day, it all became too much and my life crashed and burned. My downfall happened approximately three years into my faculty position (during the pandemic).
At that time, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and started treatment (medicine and therapist). Although I felt better, my brain was still chaotic and I was often overwhelmed with very basic adulting skills. I couldn’t organize or execute very simple tasks. My memory was horrible and highly variable: I could remember the bird nest ID number of a bird that I had banded in 2017 but I couldn’t remember where I put my keys that day (or most others). I’ve accidentally thrown my keys away, which led to dumpster diving with my neurotypical partner. One day after parking my car at the university, I left it running for the entire day. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t tell anyone until recently when I found out my colleague with ADHD had also done the same thing. Unfortunately, these types of events are common in my everyday life, which can be frustrating to myself and the people around me. Frankly, I thought that this behavior was normal and that I was “just” stressed out and a bonehead. I had never imagined that there was one explanation for a lifetime of shame, but also amazing success.
A few months ago, one of the undergraduates in my lab told me that they thought they had ADHD. However, they were afraid to get diagnosed due to the stigma since they wanted to go to medical school. I was surprised about their potential diagnosis because I (like many) had the assumption that it was related primarily to hyperactivity in young boys. Obviously, I knew very little about ADHD, so I started researching the symptoms. As I read more and more about diagnoses and ADHD stories, I felt like I was holding up a mirror. I cried. A lot.
Airhead, dumb, workaholic, no hobbies, ‘grass is green’ person, moody (‘purple hulk’), intense, illogical, inconsistent. These words have been used to describe my personality; sometimes jokingly, always mixed with a note of concern or judgement. I can’t completely blame people for describing me this way. My brain is always running. My thoughts and words can be all over the place. I go through periods of intense hyperfocus (sometimes up to 8 hours without a bathroom or food break) followed by periods of no focus. I never stick to a hobby even though I’m pretty good at a lot of things. I can get frustrated easily and jump to the worst case scenario. I’m exhausted ALL.THE.TIME. I didn’t realize until recently that these behaviors and feelings were related to how my brain functions…“atypically”.
I described this awakening to my therapist who suggested that I find a psychiatrist. Very quickly, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with ADHD, and I started medicinal and behavioral treatment. Almost from day one, my brain organized itself. I felt less overwhelmed. However, I was both relieved and frustrated. I was relieved that a lot about my life could be explained, but I was frustrated that it took so long for me to recognize my neurodivergence. Schooling was always more difficult for me than some of my peers and I had to go that extra mile to keep up. Probably the worst part of my experience in academia was the intense and toxic criticism directed toward me during my PhD for my inability to logically connect thoughts, both verbally and written. If a neurotypical person describes the thought sequence: ABCDE… The order of my thought sequence looks more like this: CBADE. I found ways to deal with this issue and faced constant burn out because of it. I continued my education with the goal of becoming a professor, but somedays, I’m not quite sure how I made it or why I’m still here.
Not only has ADHD affected me but it has affected relationships with personnel in my lab. Honestly, this is, in part, what started this post; not only to inform future people interested in my lab but also to acknowledge how ADHD has affected my lab. There’s no doubt that I’m an intense person. My mind runs a mile a minute and sometimes I leave people in the dust unintentionally. I work ALL the time but it’s not because I’m a workaholic, it’s just that I get into periods of hyperfocus from which I cannot break. I also hyperfocus on the productivity of my students, which has led me to impose pressure to perform at a similar level. This is just not possible for most people, nor do people want to do it. I completely shifted how we work together once I realized that this was really affecting people. I talk a lot and interrupt people so I’m trying to listen more. I have a poor memory for important things that has led to communication issues. I’m impulsive. I was going to write something else here, but I forgot what it was. Seriously.
On the flip side, ADHD has its benefits for my lab, colleagues, and collaborators! I love science and I’m a pretty good scientist. I especially love writing and editing and I am always quick to provide feedback (hyperfocus has its benefits!). I love discussing peer-reviewed papers with you. I am excited to think about experimental design and will help you design the coolest experiment ever. I have a lot of science-y friends and love to connect people and network. I am very amenable to change and am an excellent problem solver, which has made me a great field biologist. I will ALWAYS support and truly care about you.
I’m still a work in progress. I hope to mend relationships that have been damaged. I hope to live with a less chaotic brain in order to live a happier and less exhausted life. I ultimately wanted to put my diagnosis out there because I’m certain that there are other academic women out there who are dealing with the same issues. You don’t have to be trapped in a chaotic and overwhelmed brain. Don’t wait until you crash and burn. Please reach out for help from a professional. I’m happy to chat with you if you need support or need help finding access to affordable care.
Please see this amazing follow up blog by Gracey Brouillard: https://integrativeandcomparativebiology.wordpress.com/2024/07/30/neurodiversity-in-academia-spotlight-on-dr-sarah-knutie/
I recommend watching these two YouTube videos:
At that time, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and started treatment (medicine and therapist). Although I felt better, my brain was still chaotic and I was often overwhelmed with very basic adulting skills. I couldn’t organize or execute very simple tasks. My memory was horrible and highly variable: I could remember the bird nest ID number of a bird that I had banded in 2017 but I couldn’t remember where I put my keys that day (or most others). I’ve accidentally thrown my keys away, which led to dumpster diving with my neurotypical partner. One day after parking my car at the university, I left it running for the entire day. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t tell anyone until recently when I found out my colleague with ADHD had also done the same thing. Unfortunately, these types of events are common in my everyday life, which can be frustrating to myself and the people around me. Frankly, I thought that this behavior was normal and that I was “just” stressed out and a bonehead. I had never imagined that there was one explanation for a lifetime of shame, but also amazing success.
A few months ago, one of the undergraduates in my lab told me that they thought they had ADHD. However, they were afraid to get diagnosed due to the stigma since they wanted to go to medical school. I was surprised about their potential diagnosis because I (like many) had the assumption that it was related primarily to hyperactivity in young boys. Obviously, I knew very little about ADHD, so I started researching the symptoms. As I read more and more about diagnoses and ADHD stories, I felt like I was holding up a mirror. I cried. A lot.
Airhead, dumb, workaholic, no hobbies, ‘grass is green’ person, moody (‘purple hulk’), intense, illogical, inconsistent. These words have been used to describe my personality; sometimes jokingly, always mixed with a note of concern or judgement. I can’t completely blame people for describing me this way. My brain is always running. My thoughts and words can be all over the place. I go through periods of intense hyperfocus (sometimes up to 8 hours without a bathroom or food break) followed by periods of no focus. I never stick to a hobby even though I’m pretty good at a lot of things. I can get frustrated easily and jump to the worst case scenario. I’m exhausted ALL.THE.TIME. I didn’t realize until recently that these behaviors and feelings were related to how my brain functions…“atypically”.
I described this awakening to my therapist who suggested that I find a psychiatrist. Very quickly, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with ADHD, and I started medicinal and behavioral treatment. Almost from day one, my brain organized itself. I felt less overwhelmed. However, I was both relieved and frustrated. I was relieved that a lot about my life could be explained, but I was frustrated that it took so long for me to recognize my neurodivergence. Schooling was always more difficult for me than some of my peers and I had to go that extra mile to keep up. Probably the worst part of my experience in academia was the intense and toxic criticism directed toward me during my PhD for my inability to logically connect thoughts, both verbally and written. If a neurotypical person describes the thought sequence: ABCDE… The order of my thought sequence looks more like this: CBADE. I found ways to deal with this issue and faced constant burn out because of it. I continued my education with the goal of becoming a professor, but somedays, I’m not quite sure how I made it or why I’m still here.
Not only has ADHD affected me but it has affected relationships with personnel in my lab. Honestly, this is, in part, what started this post; not only to inform future people interested in my lab but also to acknowledge how ADHD has affected my lab. There’s no doubt that I’m an intense person. My mind runs a mile a minute and sometimes I leave people in the dust unintentionally. I work ALL the time but it’s not because I’m a workaholic, it’s just that I get into periods of hyperfocus from which I cannot break. I also hyperfocus on the productivity of my students, which has led me to impose pressure to perform at a similar level. This is just not possible for most people, nor do people want to do it. I completely shifted how we work together once I realized that this was really affecting people. I talk a lot and interrupt people so I’m trying to listen more. I have a poor memory for important things that has led to communication issues. I’m impulsive. I was going to write something else here, but I forgot what it was. Seriously.
On the flip side, ADHD has its benefits for my lab, colleagues, and collaborators! I love science and I’m a pretty good scientist. I especially love writing and editing and I am always quick to provide feedback (hyperfocus has its benefits!). I love discussing peer-reviewed papers with you. I am excited to think about experimental design and will help you design the coolest experiment ever. I have a lot of science-y friends and love to connect people and network. I am very amenable to change and am an excellent problem solver, which has made me a great field biologist. I will ALWAYS support and truly care about you.
I’m still a work in progress. I hope to mend relationships that have been damaged. I hope to live with a less chaotic brain in order to live a happier and less exhausted life. I ultimately wanted to put my diagnosis out there because I’m certain that there are other academic women out there who are dealing with the same issues. You don’t have to be trapped in a chaotic and overwhelmed brain. Don’t wait until you crash and burn. Please reach out for help from a professional. I’m happy to chat with you if you need support or need help finding access to affordable care.
Please see this amazing follow up blog by Gracey Brouillard: https://integrativeandcomparativebiology.wordpress.com/2024/07/30/neurodiversity-in-academia-spotlight-on-dr-sarah-knutie/
I recommend watching these two YouTube videos:
ADHD in Girls and Women | Martha Barnard-Rae | TEDxKinjarlin
Failing at Normal: An ADHD Success Story | Jessica McCabe | TEDxBratislav
It's like someone else has the remote and keeps changing the channel until one channel gets stuck for awhile.
It's like someone else has the remote and keeps changing the channel until one channel gets stuck for awhile.